Dotted-Line 'Stache
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Showing posts with label beards. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beards. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
end beard. begin mustache.
As promised:
before
after
(Yes, in the first picture there is a woman with a mustache grading papers behind me. That's just how we roll up here.)
before
after
(Yes, in the first picture there is a woman with a mustache grading papers behind me. That's just how we roll up here.)
Monday, December 29, 2008
fun with facial hair
Because of an agreement with some of my male classmates, I haven't shaved in a long time. I have a bushy red-blonde thing all over my face. MAN BEARD BLOG would be proud. (I think.) But that agreement also stipulates that the new year brings Mustache January, which is going to be pretty scary. Will I last a full month? Hard to say. Maybe I'll post some pictures. Maybe.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Awesome words revisited; Procrustean
The last time I took a serious look at what search terms lead people to this site, I noticed a large number of beard related hits. Thus, Man Beard Blog was born.
Now I'm noticing that I get a lot of hits from Google searches for "awesome words" which gives a pretty good link to a See For Yourself gimmick post that doesn't even have any words in it. This makes me think two things. (#1) I've come a long way since including a map of America there, and since my follow up on it; and (#2) I need more awesome words here. Since 99% of my posts now address that point #1, I'll get going on #2.
I don't think I'll be starting a new blog dedicated to awesome words, though I actually went through a phase a few years ago where I decided I was really into learning cool words. I bought several books of amusing or unusual words, most of which I've forgotten. But I'll never forget my all time favorite word. It derives from a Greek myth. Procrustes was a villain who would invite travelers in to his home, where he told them he had a magical bed that would fit anyone precisely. The magic of the bed was that Procrustes would chop off the victim's legs if he was too tall for the bed, or stretch him on the rack if he was too short. "Procrustean" is an awesome word meaning "marked by arbitrary often ruthless disregard of individual differences or special circumstances."
Any further commentary about the awesomeness of this word is too likely to lead back to point #1, so the post ends here.
Now I'm noticing that I get a lot of hits from Google searches for "awesome words" which gives a pretty good link to a See For Yourself gimmick post that doesn't even have any words in it. This makes me think two things. (#1) I've come a long way since including a map of America there, and since my follow up on it; and (#2) I need more awesome words here. Since 99% of my posts now address that point #1, I'll get going on #2.
I don't think I'll be starting a new blog dedicated to awesome words, though I actually went through a phase a few years ago where I decided I was really into learning cool words. I bought several books of amusing or unusual words, most of which I've forgotten. But I'll never forget my all time favorite word. It derives from a Greek myth. Procrustes was a villain who would invite travelers in to his home, where he told them he had a magical bed that would fit anyone precisely. The magic of the bed was that Procrustes would chop off the victim's legs if he was too tall for the bed, or stretch him on the rack if he was too short. "Procrustean" is an awesome word meaning "marked by arbitrary often ruthless disregard of individual differences or special circumstances."
Any further commentary about the awesomeness of this word is too likely to lead back to point #1, so the post ends here.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
My blog life is complete
One of my personal blog heros, PZ Myers, pimped Man Beard Blog today.
Traffic spiked:
Celebrate by growing a beard and sending your picture to MAN BEARD BLOG!
Update:
Traffic spiked:
Celebrate by growing a beard and sending your picture to MAN BEARD BLOG!
Update:
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
I'm like a Ninja Turtle
I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.
-Michelangelo
I get giddy about every new post at Man Beard Blog. My wife says that's because I have ridiculous self-love, but I have a different explanation. I really don't think of Man Beard Blog as my creation, even though by any standard of objective reality it is. I really think of Man Beard Blog as something I'm discovering. Every post there has flowed out of me effortlessly, in contrast to posts here which routinely take hours to put together. Hell, the first week of Man Beard Blog I put up like 12 posts with all kinds of self-references and themes and metaphors and whatnot. I'm more like Columbus than DaVinci. Instead of sailing, I just start writing, and Man Beard Blog is my New World. It is like I have some direct cosmic connection to a higher comedic power; all I can do is serve as a conduit from the humor gods to the blogosphere. I can't help feeling giddy and laughing hysterically at
My wife also says I'm insane.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Snakes on a Man Beard
[copied from Man Beard Blog]
A Man Beard doesn't sneak around and try to be something he's not. He just comes right out and tells you what he is, usually by way of the visual spectacle adorning his face. After all, a beardless man can always wear a fake beard, but it is pretty damn hard for a Man Beard in full regalia to appear clean-shaven.
And a Man Beard doesn't apologize for what he is either. He doesn't give a shit if you like him or not. A Man Beard is comfortable in his own skin (unless his skin is surrounded by poisonous snakes). A Man Beard is always rated R, even when its production studio tries to make it into a PG beard, because a Man Beard will get all the beard blogs to rally for more T&A and profanity. Man Beards love T&A and profanity.
Snakes on a Plane is like the Man Beard of movies. Aside from its in-your-face beardesque title, SoaP has everything a Man Beard wants in a movie: snakes, planes, Samuel L. Jackson, as well as beardloads full of gratuitous nudity, violence and F-Bombs.
Plus at the end there's a music video featuring Sam Motherfuckin' Jackson with a sweet black and white beard. Oh and Julianna Margulies is on the plane too. She's ok I guess.
A Man Beard doesn't sneak around and try to be something he's not. He just comes right out and tells you what he is, usually by way of the visual spectacle adorning his face. After all, a beardless man can always wear a fake beard, but it is pretty damn hard for a Man Beard in full regalia to appear clean-shaven.And a Man Beard doesn't apologize for what he is either. He doesn't give a shit if you like him or not. A Man Beard is comfortable in his own skin (unless his skin is surrounded by poisonous snakes). A Man Beard is always rated R, even when its production studio tries to make it into a PG beard, because a Man Beard will get all the beard blogs to rally for more T&A and profanity. Man Beards love T&A and profanity.
Snakes on a Plane is like the Man Beard of movies. Aside from its in-your-face beardesque title, SoaP has everything a Man Beard wants in a movie: snakes, planes, Samuel L. Jackson, as well as beardloads full of gratuitous nudity, violence and F-Bombs.
Plus at the end there's a music video featuring Sam Motherfuckin' Jackson with a sweet black and white beard. Oh and Julianna Margulies is on the plane too. She's ok I guess.
Friday, August 04, 2006
MAN BEARD BLOG
MAN + BEARD + BLOG = MAN BEARD BLOG
I seriously get dozens of hits every week from people searching for "beard growing" on Google. So I might as well run with it.
I seriously get dozens of hits every week from people searching for "beard growing" on Google. So I might as well run with it.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Adspar's Rebuttal to Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing
[Like beards? Visit Man Beard Blog today!]
I once told Robert F. Kennedy that only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. It is in that spirit that I write today, and I dedicate this blog entry to the eternal memory of my great wisdom. You see, it takes a great man to tell someone how wrong they are, but it takes a perfect man to admit to his own imperfections. So as the greatest of all perfect men, I shall defy paradox in this charitable effort to enlighten you the reader.
You might recall that last fall I published Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing. It contained what I thought at the time was valuable information about cultivating facial hair and beating women. I truly believed in the righteousness of beards and the worthlessness of females, and all of my words and deeds flowed from those deeply-held beliefs. I held them deep within my soul; they nourished me.
Yet here I am today, publishing Adspar's Rebuttal to Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing. If you're wondering why the change of heart, either you haven't seen The DaVinci Code or you're an ignorant fool who doesn't understand the central message of the movie. But that's ok. I'm here to help you.
In the movie, Tom Hanks teaches us that the Catholic Church has sponsored a huge conspiracy to hide the fact that Jesus was married to a prostitute and that his whore-wife, Mary Magdalene, is really the one we should all be worshipping.
It is shocking information that will shake things up across the whole world, but we know it is true because Tom Hanks is a Harvard professor of seismology so he knows what will shake the earth. And if that isn't enough proof, Gandalf showed us how the leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles painted a picture when he was at dinner with Jesus one time, and if you look at his painting you can see how Mary Magdalene was there being a whore right in front of Jesus. And if that isn't enough, the space between Jesus and his wife makes a letter V, which stands for Vagina.
Watching this movie, I began to realize that something was wrong with my life. I had been hating women because they were such whores. But if the True Savior was really a prostitute, that would have to mean that women aren't such a bunch of worthless bitches after all. And so Tom Hanks taught me to embrace the sacred feminine and the Holy Grail of her Vagina.
But if women were to be admired rather than despised, that clearly meant that beards had to be despised rather than admired. Suddenly everything was so clear to me. Revisiting my list of bearded heros, I saw that nothing good ever came from wearing a beard.
Famous Beards:
We can all see a clear trend. Beards lead to substance abuse and often-lethal violence.
Tom Hanks' message was foreshadowed by Will Ferrell when the darkest days of Ron Burgandy's life were marked by the presence of a bushy beard. When the Anchorman wanted to get his life back on track, he knew that the beard had to go. Milk was a bad choice because milk comes from the sacred feminine, which naturally clashes with any brambling beard.
Yet still the milk nourished him, just as my hatred of women had nourished me. This subtle twist of irony brings me back to where I started: admitting that I was wrong to endorse the growing of beards and the hating of women.
Thanks to The DaVinci Code, my life is back on track:
I once told Robert F. Kennedy that only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. It is in that spirit that I write today, and I dedicate this blog entry to the eternal memory of my great wisdom. You see, it takes a great man to tell someone how wrong they are, but it takes a perfect man to admit to his own imperfections. So as the greatest of all perfect men, I shall defy paradox in this charitable effort to enlighten you the reader.
You might recall that last fall I published Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing. It contained what I thought at the time was valuable information about cultivating facial hair and beating women. I truly believed in the righteousness of beards and the worthlessness of females, and all of my words and deeds flowed from those deeply-held beliefs. I held them deep within my soul; they nourished me.Yet here I am today, publishing Adspar's Rebuttal to Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing. If you're wondering why the change of heart, either you haven't seen The DaVinci Code or you're an ignorant fool who doesn't understand the central message of the movie. But that's ok. I'm here to help you.
In the movie, Tom Hanks teaches us that the Catholic Church has sponsored a huge conspiracy to hide the fact that Jesus was married to a prostitute and that his whore-wife, Mary Magdalene, is really the one we should all be worshipping.
It is shocking information that will shake things up across the whole world, but we know it is true because Tom Hanks is a Harvard professor of seismology so he knows what will shake the earth. And if that isn't enough proof, Gandalf showed us how the leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles painted a picture when he was at dinner with Jesus one time, and if you look at his painting you can see how Mary Magdalene was there being a whore right in front of Jesus. And if that isn't enough, the space between Jesus and his wife makes a letter V, which stands for Vagina.
Watching this movie, I began to realize that something was wrong with my life. I had been hating women because they were such whores. But if the True Savior was really a prostitute, that would have to mean that women aren't such a bunch of worthless bitches after all. And so Tom Hanks taught me to embrace the sacred feminine and the Holy Grail of her Vagina.
But if women were to be admired rather than despised, that clearly meant that beards had to be despised rather than admired. Suddenly everything was so clear to me. Revisiting my list of bearded heros, I saw that nothing good ever came from wearing a beard.
Famous Beards:
- PJ Carlisimo - This guy is best known for being choked by a player on his team. Maybe if he learned how to use a razor Latrell would have had more respect for him.
- ZZ Top - I can't even name one song they sing. I think maybe they sing that one song that goes "but now I might be mistaken, a ha ha ha ha!" but I'm not sure. If it was them, I guess that is a bit cool, but still, you can't understand another word in that song. They could probably enunciate more clearly if they hacked the disgusting masses of hair off their faces.
- Sigmund Freud - The guy literally called everyone in the whole world a mother-fucker. Get a razor, a-hole.
Blackbeard - This guy was an evil, thieving, drunken pirate whose beard was crucial to his identity. His reign of terror didn't even last 3 years before he was beheaded by Robert Maynard.- Ricky Williams - He keeps getting suspended from NFL for drug use. And now he is so deeply in debt that he had to get a job in Canada. Pathetic.
- Abe Lincoln - He tried to a good deed by freeing the slaves, but in the end his beard caught up to him, as he assassinated while watching some crappy play.
- Zeus - He used to have a lot of bearded power, but he was debunked by Jesus.
Jesus - He used to have a lot of power, but he was debunked by Tom Hanks. His famous beard was such good padding that his "turn the other cheek" advice made some sense for him. But then he took that message to far as he let the Romans torture and execute him. If he had shaved his beard sooner, he might have realized that getting slapped across the face hurts. Then he would have called his father to totally beat down the Romans and his wife wouldn't have been suppressed by the Catholics.
We can all see a clear trend. Beards lead to substance abuse and often-lethal violence.
Tom Hanks' message was foreshadowed by Will Ferrell when the darkest days of Ron Burgandy's life were marked by the presence of a bushy beard. When the Anchorman wanted to get his life back on track, he knew that the beard had to go. Milk was a bad choice because milk comes from the sacred feminine, which naturally clashes with any brambling beard.Yet still the milk nourished him, just as my hatred of women had nourished me. This subtle twist of irony brings me back to where I started: admitting that I was wrong to endorse the growing of beards and the hating of women.
Thanks to The DaVinci Code, my life is back on track:
- I now see that God loves Tom Hanks, women, and smooth-faced asian men.
- I believe that clean-shaven men are to be commended for their decision to embrace beardlessness.
- I know that Jesus was a phoney, and that his beard led to 2,000 years of lies.
- I understand that the only good beards belong to clams because the V is in and the cross is out.
- I've atoned for my sins by promoting these truths.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Where do my hits come from?
I like to reverse stalk my stalkers sometimes. My last 100 hits include referrals from the following:
Top 100 Blogs in Africa - at some point I lied about my location. Now I'm an African blog-God.
Google search for "awesome words" - pretty cool that this search leads to me (~6 or 8 hits)
Google search for "jj redick poetry" - By contrast, it sucks that this search leads to me. I get lots of hits from that kind of search too. (~2 or 3 hits)
Dogpile search for "how to present yourself appearance wise" - HA! I kinda want to know more about this guy.
Google search for "prima nocta wikipedia" - 1.) This guy is impressively lazy that he wouldn't go to wikipedia first, and then search. 2.) I have to assume he's a pervert, not a scholar. 3.) I wonder if he liked my blog...
Google search for "beard growing guide" - hell yes! (~5 or 6 hits)
Google search for "ruined Katie Holmes" - screw you, Tom Cruise.
Yahoo! search for "cock hungry coeds xxx" - wow. I guess this isn't a family site any more. I hope he at least signed up for Party Poker while he was here.
Yahoo! search for "Doyle Brunson sitings" - I wrote up something after a trip to Vegas last year about famous people I saw. I didn't bother to write up anything about poker player sitings after my recent Vegas trip because just about every famous poker player was there.
Top 100 Blogs in Africa - at some point I lied about my location. Now I'm an African blog-God.
Google search for "awesome words" - pretty cool that this search leads to me (~6 or 8 hits)
Google search for "jj redick poetry" - By contrast, it sucks that this search leads to me. I get lots of hits from that kind of search too. (~2 or 3 hits)
Dogpile search for "how to present yourself appearance wise" - HA! I kinda want to know more about this guy.
Google search for "prima nocta wikipedia" - 1.) This guy is impressively lazy that he wouldn't go to wikipedia first, and then search. 2.) I have to assume he's a pervert, not a scholar. 3.) I wonder if he liked my blog...
Google search for "beard growing guide" - hell yes! (~5 or 6 hits)
Google search for "ruined Katie Holmes" - screw you, Tom Cruise.
Yahoo! search for "cock hungry coeds xxx" - wow. I guess this isn't a family site any more. I hope he at least signed up for Party Poker while he was here.
Yahoo! search for "Doyle Brunson sitings" - I wrote up something after a trip to Vegas last year about famous people I saw. I didn't bother to write up anything about poker player sitings after my recent Vegas trip because just about every famous poker player was there.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing
[Like Beards? Visit Man Beard Blog today!]
So you've been thinking about growing a beard? Good for you! Beard growing has been a favorite past-time for thousands of years. But beards aren't just for fun and games - the mighty Zeus (image on right) summoned the power of his great beard to help him kill his father, Cronos. Will Ferrell made reference to the legend of Zeus's beard in his recent film, Anchorman.
Many famous people and other historical figures are known for their beards.
Famous Beards:
Abraham Lincoln - 16th President of the United States
Jesus - savior of all mankind
Ricky Williams - troubled NFL running back
Blackbeard - pirate
Sigmund Freud - psychologist, father of psychoanalysis
ZZ Top - rock band
PJ Carlisimo - basketball coach
So you've decided to grow your beard, but are unsure how to proceed. You've come to the right place.
Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing:
Step 1: Be a man*
Many of the world's nations have granted women the right to vote and the privilege of serving in the military. Sadly, women's rights are still woefully archaic when it comes to beard growing. The vast majority of the world's female population will never be able to grow much, if any, facial hair. While this may be unfair, it is important to realize that not all men who opt to wear a beard are misogynists. In fact, many bearded men are great supporters of the feminist movement, as Will Ferrell taught us with Rachel Dratch.
Politics aside, by being a man you will have completed the first step of growing your beard. Congratulations! Continue on to step 2.
Step 2: Stop shaving
Most men without beards shave their faces on a somewhat regular schedule. Cease this behavior immediately!!! Shaving is the great enemy of beards, and as razor blade technology advances, your beard could be in considerable danger. By shaving every day, you decrease your chances of growing a beard by over 99%.
Step 3: Wait 1 to 12 weeks
Depending on how much of a man you are, and how little you shave, you should have your beard within a week to several months. Also, hopefully all the women stopped reading after step 1, so now I can say that they are all worthless bitches. I'm glad they don't get to have beards. In fact, I've dedicated my own beard to my hatred of all females. I find it an abomination that the right of a bearded man to beat his wife has been threatened. I'm sure Will Ferrell would agree.
Step 4: Enjoy your beard.
Every beard is different, and they can all be enjoyed!
Good luck finding new and exciting ways to enjoy your own special beard. Be creative!
Thank you for reading Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing! May God bless you and your beard, and may Satan curse all women to beardless hellfire for all eternity.
And remember, if your wife doesn't like your new beard, you know how to change that whore's mind.
* Disclaimer: for best beard results, don't be Asian.
So you've been thinking about growing a beard? Good for you! Beard growing has been a favorite past-time for thousands of years. But beards aren't just for fun and games - the mighty Zeus (image on right) summoned the power of his great beard to help him kill his father, Cronos. Will Ferrell made reference to the legend of Zeus's beard in his recent film, Anchorman.Many famous people and other historical figures are known for their beards.
Famous Beards:
Abraham Lincoln - 16th President of the United States
Jesus - savior of all mankind
Ricky Williams - troubled NFL running back
Blackbeard - pirate
Sigmund Freud - psychologist, father of psychoanalysis
ZZ Top - rock band
PJ Carlisimo - basketball coach
So you've decided to grow your beard, but are unsure how to proceed. You've come to the right place.
Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing:
Step 1: Be a man*
Many of the world's nations have granted women the right to vote and the privilege of serving in the military. Sadly, women's rights are still woefully archaic when it comes to beard growing. The vast majority of the world's female population will never be able to grow much, if any, facial hair. While this may be unfair, it is important to realize that not all men who opt to wear a beard are misogynists. In fact, many bearded men are great supporters of the feminist movement, as Will Ferrell taught us with Rachel Dratch.
Politics aside, by being a man you will have completed the first step of growing your beard. Congratulations! Continue on to step 2.
Step 2: Stop shaving
Most men without beards shave their faces on a somewhat regular schedule. Cease this behavior immediately!!! Shaving is the great enemy of beards, and as razor blade technology advances, your beard could be in considerable danger. By shaving every day, you decrease your chances of growing a beard by over 99%.
Step 3: Wait 1 to 12 weeks
Depending on how much of a man you are, and how little you shave, you should have your beard within a week to several months. Also, hopefully all the women stopped reading after step 1, so now I can say that they are all worthless bitches. I'm glad they don't get to have beards. In fact, I've dedicated my own beard to my hatred of all females. I find it an abomination that the right of a bearded man to beat his wife has been threatened. I'm sure Will Ferrell would agree.
Step 4: Enjoy your beard.
Every beard is different, and they can all be enjoyed!
Good luck finding new and exciting ways to enjoy your own special beard. Be creative!
Thank you for reading Adspar's Guide to Beard Growing! May God bless you and your beard, and may Satan curse all women to beardless hellfire for all eternity.
And remember, if your wife doesn't like your new beard, you know how to change that whore's mind.
* Disclaimer: for best beard results, don't be Asian.
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