Freddie Got Fingered

I always liked this movie.

things people without appendices do?

today has been a good recovery day.  i took a walk outside, and my bowels are getting closer to normal functioning*.  i'm going to eat a hamburger for dinner, and i might have a beer too.  it still hurts though if i do anything that uses ab muscles, which turns out to be just about every movement.

i've watched way too many movies and tv episodes over the last few days.  in the hospital i actually managed to read a lot, and finished chomsky's "Necessary Illusions."  but i've had trouble concentrating on reading here.  that will improve soon.   i've watched:

• entire season 3 of The Office, and the last 5 episodes of whatever this season is
  
• the 2 recent episodes of Prison Break, which apparently started back up again (guilty pleasure)
  
• several episodes of Life of Birds with Attenborough (always awesome)
  
• 3:10 to Yuma (pretty good for a western starring a brit and an aussie)
  
• So Goes the Nation (very limited value, and not in the way they intended)
  
• Bourne Ultimatum (always awesome)
• American Gangster (pretty good, but more boring than i expected)

on my walk i picked up 2 more documentaries from the library that i'll watch soon, and that will probably end the dvd binge:

• the smartest guys in the room (mark cuban's enron movie)
• not yet rated (some expose of the the movie ratings nazis)

i just noticed that i threw in some random capitalization of the movie titles, but not the last two.  i'm weird.

* - every once in a while it occurs to me that everything i write on this stupid blog could conceivably be available to read 50 years from now.  my grandkids could be reading this, seeing how grandpa's bowels were functioning back in 2009.  hopefully just as well as they are in 2059!

I just watched the new X-Files movie on DVD.  Holy shit was that awful.

gangsters

Dennis Perrin, 13-April-2009:

Democrats love spilling blood, believing they can do it better and more efficiently than those evil, crazy tea-bagging Repubs. The Dems as Michael Corleone to the GOP's Sonny.

adspar, 25-June-2008:

Democrats are dirty mob lawyers; Republicans are the mob enforcers. In the power struggle to be the next don, people get to choose between the no-neck tough guy (McCain) or the smooth-talking debonair schmoozer (Obama).

A dozen things

1. Softball is fun. I can't believe I never bothered to play softball before.
2. Beerfest at the grad student pub is fun. I can't believe I never went to beerfest before.
3. No limit hold'em is fun. I can't believe I never played it very much before.
4. This structure is fun. I can't keep it up much longer.
5. I've been meaning to do some kitteh blurghing but I can't find my camera and I feel like any kitteh blurghing must have photographic accompaniment. So I should get around to that eventually.
6. Canada is sweet, yo.
7. I'm going to the theatre this weekend to see Romeo and Juliet, which I'm pretty sure I've never actually seen. That's probably against some rule about being a cultured white person, so I guess this is all part of the deal.
8. Despite being non-plused with the preview, I want to go see Dark Knight, but I don't want to pay $11 (x2 for the wife) cause that seems excessive.
9. Speaking of the wife, she just got a very cute haircut. Very cute. She donated most of her hair to cancer kids or something nice like that, so it is very short, but in a way that really works for her. So now the hair she sheds at German Sheppard pace will be much shorter.
10. I can't wait until Kira experiences the 1-2 punch of a nice compliment about her hair then comparing her to a dog. That should be fun. I ruin everything.
11. Charles Darwin was a nifty fellow, or so I hear.
12. Fresh local produce is the only way to eat. At least in the summer.

Fin.

the story of stuff

watch, then do something

xmas trip recap

Well we're back from our whirlwind tour of Maryland. We put 1600 miles on the car (I'm thinking about buying carbon offsets - any suggestions anyone?), slept in 8 different places (some more comfortable than others), had some good meals and some bad ones, had some good times and some bad ones, and despite enjoying our trip, we're both quite glad to be home.

As for possible topics for blogging in the near future:

• I read a lot of Chomsky on the trip, and imagine I'll be blogging about it. I also landed a handful of books as gifts, and they'll be showing up too.
• I won my fantasy football league, which was worth $320. Perhaps I'll share my secrets to paying a month's rent with your fantasy sports prowess. (Teaser: Step One is to move to rural Ohio.)
• We encountered all kinds of family drama, which at first I thought I shouldn't really write about. But then I realized that I'm only aware of one family member reading my blog with any regularity, so what's the difference right? And in a way that inattention is related to the drama, so there's all kinds of opportunity for the self-conscious meta-analysis on which this blog was founded.
• The cats traveled with us, and spent an exciting evening with an energetic 8 week old mini-beagle. An overload of cuteness was the inevitable outcome. Also, the puppy pooped in the litter box.
• We saw I Am Legend and The Golden Compass. I'd cautiously recommend both and might elaborate in a future post.
• I've submitted 3 of the 4 grad school applications I'll be completing (the last is due by January 15), and might share some thoughts on that subject.
• My friends are really starting to reproduce. I hung out with two infants and a pregnant woman. This feels like some kind of life passage. (I myself have no plans for reproduction in my near future. Maybe if we get one part-time job between the two of us...)

That's all I got for now. If you're part of my immense audience the is here for the kinds of powerful political insights I usually generously provide, I'd suggest clicking on some of the blog articles linked to in my sidebar or here.

This post makes way more sense than post are usually allowed to make

Before I get back to my latest stray cat rescue attempt, here are these things.

1.) Courtesy of Glenn Greenwald, here is Noam Chomsky making way more sense than people are usually allowed to make.



2.) Courtesy of Walt, here is Santa Claus making way more sense than people are usually allowed to make.



3.) Nancy Pelosi fails the Jason Bourne Test and so she must go down. The Jason Bourne Test makes way more sense than tests are usually allowed to make.

bad movie alert

We Own the Night. Don't see it. (Unless you really love Eva Mendes, in which case leave after the first 2 minutes.)

Jason Bourne kills your dinner plans

I love the Jason Bourne movies. They're on a select list of flicks that I can't turn off if I see them on TV. Tonight I saw the newest, The Bourne Ultimatum, and it somehow gave me a way to finally start blogging about food like I've been meaning to.

Bourne 3 deals with the idea of understanding the reasons for our actions. Assassins are told who to kill and aren't supposed to ask why. But Bourne, former CIA assassin, is troubled by the moral abominations of his past life and struggles to understand how he came to be in those situations.

There's a flashback scene where Bourne is given a gun and ordered to kill a hooded man, told only that doing so will help save American lives. Would you pull the trigger? I think that most people with a functioning moral compass answer that they would be reluctant to kill in almost any circumstances, and that in this specific scenario they'd minimally have to know a lot more before they'd take a life.

But if they were actually put into the situation, many more would kill than say they would. Why? Because people are social creatures, and they tend to follow orders. They rationalize that if an authoritative figure is giving them a command, there must be a good reason for it, and they probably ought to listen. Even if it turns out the order was morally wrong, it can't really be my fault, right? I was just following orders. The famous Milgram experiment chillingly documented this behavior.

Normal people can be manipulated or coaxed into doing things that they themselves would find morally wrong in other circumstances. Authority is one social mechanism to induce morally conflicted behavior. Another is the power of normalization - peer pressure, following the crowd. And yet another is to hide from people the immorality of the action. If everyone else does something, and I can't see anything obviously wrong with it, what harm can there be, right? Especially if the authorities are saying it is ok. That logic makes sense in the heat of the moment, but doesn't cut it for us as we carefully contemplate morals in a detached way. We see the moral obligation to make a reasonable effort understand the consequences of our actions before we act.

So what does Jason Bourne's moral crisis and the rest of this discussion have to do with food? Ask yourself these kinds of questions:

• Do you understand where your food comes from?
• Do you know how it gets from the ground to your plate?

If you're like most people, you don't know much about that. You know an apple grew on a tree and an egg came from a chicken on a farm, but you don't really know the whole process. And you certainly have very little idea about the complicated manufacturing project, the logistical miracle, that resulted in that soda or that microwave dinner or those corn chips.

Does it matter? Well, how about these questions:

• Do you understand the environmental impact of that process?
• Do you understand the public health impact of that process?
• Do you understand the political impact of your food choices?
  
• Do you know how the animals that you eat are treated?
• Do you know how the people who work along your food chain are treated?

If one or more of those sound like they might be issues of moral concern, you're probably a normal human being. You eat hundreds of times per year, spending thousands of dollars on food, and you don't know anything about the moral consequences of your actions. You don't know the answers to those questions because they're deliberately hidden from you. You eat more or less the way everyone else does, and it isn't something you've often thought to even question, aside from a few nutritional facts here and there. You compare prices, see what tastes good, and maybe try to be healthy sometimes.

Are you doing something morally wrong? Something to which you'd object if you only understood the whole situation? Would you kill a man without knowing why? Have you already? Why?

If you're like me, these are troubling questions. No wonder Bourne gets headaches. At first he tried to run away from the nightmare of all his questions, an understandable reaction. It is tempting to just try to forget about all this and keep eating the same way. Eventually Bourne realizes that he has to confront the questions.

And the answers turn out to be even more troubling. In real life and in the movie. No wonder Bourne is on an international rampage to get to the bottom of things. He has to understand it all before he can ever hope to make it right and try to be at peace.

Top Badass Movies

3/7/07 - Why are all these special notes in different colors? Oh well, can't stop now I guess. I saw 300 last night, and based on that one viewing I'm going to have to slide it into the #3 slot.


6/2 - I rented and watched The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. I don't usually like older movies, but I did enjoy this one. But maybe I don't have a sense of historical perspective because I don't think this movie is worthy of adding to the badass list. The only character that was anywhere close to a true badass was Angel Eyes. Clint Eastwood has some badass moments, but he also has some other moments that destroy any hope of him being a true badass.



5/11/06 - Special Note:

Today "NostalgiaDrag@gmail.com" chimed in to this thread with one of the all time great comments on this silly blog. I don't know who that is, but a Google search of that email address reveals 2 other top notch contributions he has made to society: Urban Dictionary definitions of badassdom and IBS. To quote Walter Sobchak: "not exactly a lightweight." This is a man who deserves to be taken seriously and respected.

Aside from his remarkable reputation, his contribution was excellent for 2 main reasons.

First, he clearly has put a lot of thought into his own list of top badass movies. And since he seems to be the internet's foremost authority on badassdom, his list should be given its due attention. And so here it is.

NostalgiaDrag's True Badass List

1. Sin City
2. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
3. For a Few Dollars More
4. Reservoir Dogs
5. Pulp Fiction
6. Payback
7. Tombstone
8. Kill Bill
9. Boondock Saints
10. Fistful of Dollars.

I haven't seen #2, 3, or 10, but that will have to change soon.

The second reason his contribution was excellent was the brief but powerful comment at the end:

"Sin City easily ranks at #1. Hell, Marv's story alone would qualify this movie at #1. If anyone disagrees with this list they can die."

His point about Sin City is absolutely right, and his closing remark is truly in keeping with the badass spirit.

I should also note that his list brings attention to the glaring omission of Pulp Fiction from my own badass list up til now, in spite it being #3 on my favorite movies of all time.

Thanks and kudos to Nostalgia Drag, and without further ado, onto my latest revision of this list.

--------


Similar to the "action" genre, these are my favorite movies where the clear intention of the movie is simply to be badass. Kill Bill, Bourne and Die Hard movies count together. T2, Batman Begins, and Underworld stand alone from sequels/prequels/relateds.

1. Sin City
   
2. Pulp Fiction
   
3. 300
   
4. Kill Bill
   
5. Tombstone
   
6. Payback
   
7. Terminator 2: Judgement Day
   
8. Die Hard
   
9. Gladiator
   
10. Boondock Saints
    
11. Bourne
    
12. Underworld
    
13. Batman Begins
    
14. The Rock
    

Honorable Mention: Blade, Con Air

Noteworthy Exclusions:

Bond - I have mostly only seen the Brosnan Bond movies, in which Bond is more about being suave and sneaky than a straight up badass. I'm told that Connery was more of a badass, but I haven't seen much of his.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly - I enjoyed the movie, but I don't think it is worthy of this list, because only one character, Angel Eyes, was anywhere close to a true badass, and the main character (Clint Eastwood), despite having badass moments, was not a true badass.

And I haven't seen these suggested inclusions:

• Rocky
• Dirty Harry
• Scarface
• For a Few Dollars More
• Fistful of Dollars

Technorati tags:
movies
badass

300 badasses

I'm going to have to make room on the Badass Movie list for 300. Man Beard Blog has the review.

Top Movies

My favorite movies of all time, which combines my opinion of their artistic merit, entertainment value, and other vague personal preferences. Sequels all count together except where noted. As this changes, or if I expand the list, I'll bump it up.

1. Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny
   
2. American Beauty
3. Lord of the Rings Trilogy
4. Pulp Fiction
5. The Royal Tenenbaums
6. The Godfather Trilogy
7. Kill Bill Volumes
8. Rounders
9. Goodwill Hunting
10. Fight Club
11. Almost Famous
12. The Big Lebowski
13. Tombstone
14. O Brother, Where Art Thou?
15. The Shawshank Redemption
16. Wallstreet
17. American History X
18. Seven
19. Goodfellas
20. The Princess Bride
21. The Matrix (only the 1st)
22. Gangs of New York
23. The Silence of the Lambs (only this one)
24. The Lion King

Honorable Mention: Indiana Jones, Casino, LA Confidential, Rushmore

Lord Katsumoto

So Hattori Hanzo wouldn't be lonely all day, we got a kitten. The fiesty little guy is trying to claim some territory for his own.



Hattori wins most disputes.



But in time, Katsumoto will rise up and become a great Samurai Lord.

Top Hybrid Comedies

Recent changes - I finally saw LMS and loved it.

My favorite movies that combine comedy and other stuff. As the list changes, I'll bump it up.

1. American Beauty
2. The Royal Tenenbaums
3. Little Miss Sunshine
4. Ocean's 11, 12
5. O Brother, Where Art Thou?
6. The Princess Bride
7. Rushmore
8. Three Kings
9. Boondock Saints
10. The Truman Show

Honorable Mention: Snatch, Orange County, The Hunted, The Last Waltz, Ravenous

Jason Bourne

If you could be any movie at all, you might have some confusion about how to select which movie you'd be. Let me make it easy for you. You should be The Bourne Identity. You'd rather have amnesia than not, right? You'd contain Mr. Eko and Goodwill Hunting, which is the top two characters to contain, by vote of the citizens of 17 first-world democracies. I don't work for the Americans any more, but if we stay here we die. COME ON, WHAT ABOUT THIS DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??! Remember the homophobic gay neighbor from American Beauty? He's in you. How is this not a good thing? You've got a black-ops agent off the reservation, and we will burn for this. Team up, motherfucker! Matt Damon can carry a movie now; we all know this. Bypass that shit! Tell me what is going on at those locations where Bourne might be at. The only possible confusion would be if you wanted to be Bourne Supremacy or the Bourne Ultimatum. I could respect that if you wanted to be one of those movies. You'd be wrong, but at least I could support it. But you just need to ask Matt Damon. When he was interviewed by Working Moms Magazine (2003), Hebrews for Halloween Magazine (2004), and Mormon Retards Quarterly (2006), he repeatedly asserted that Bourne Identity is the movie that anyone should be if they were to be a movie. How can you possibly argue with that?

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale

We've got the potential to make a little magic here. But let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. Just sit back and relax and see where the night takes us.

I'm fascinated with Wikipedia. Completely fascinated. People just built this whole thing in some weird collaborative effort. Anyone can jump in and edit something, and nobody knows who has done that to anything they've read. But everyone uses it, except maybe this guy who is scared of it. He's got some good points. I don't know what to believe. I think my fascination with Wikipedia is because it combines free information and voyeurism and free-association.

Anyway, after cruising through the Wikipedia article about Mitch Hedberg, I decided to check out Fight Club (the movie not the novel). Some things that struck me:

• I had no idea that it wasn't a huge blockbuster. The article says it opened hot, but then it didn't do very well in the theatres, but eventually did pretty well on DVD.
  
• I didn't know, but I'm not surprised that it received wildly mixed reviews from critics. The comment that interested me the most is that some critic compared it favorably to American Beauty, which was the other movie that year that really "moved" me (and I still call my favorite movie). I loved both of those movies and remember vividly feeling like they reached me in opposite ways. I was in my freshman or sophomore year of college, but I must have been home on some break because I remember coming home to my parents' house after seeing Fight Club. I was so full of ideas that I couldn't sleep, and foreshadowing my blogging efforts, I wrote this long letter by hand on notebook paper ostensibly to my college girlfriend but it probably was really just throwing down all my thoughts. I don't remember what I wrote except to compare and contrast Fight Club with American Beauty. Yeah, whatever.
• "In the scene where Brad Pitt and Edward Norton are seemingly drunk and striking balls into neighboring factories, the two actually are drunk and hitting balls at catering trucks." Quite a life these actors have.

High Stakes Poker on GSN is by far the greatest poker TV program ever. If you've ever watched any poker and thought it was good television, you need to tivo this shit immediately. Tournament poker is just a bunch of donkey amateurs occasionally tangling with pros. This show is a table full of the best in the world going to war against each other. Fascinating shit. Maybe more fascinating that its wikipedia entry. All players are paid $1250/hr by the producers to sit and play with their own money (minimum buy in is $100,000).

Why does everything have to flow evenly? She don't know, so she chases them away.

Just when I'm about to give up hope... regardless of how you feel about my atheism, this is some interesting shit:

"Attorneys and jurors in the Smalkowski case did a remarkable thing,"” added Kagin. "They checked their opinions about religion at the front door of the court house and looked only at the evidence."”

Good stuff. On that subject, dead pope JP2 told scientists not to study the origin of the universe. Luckily, those that defy him probably won't be burned alive.

Fine. That's it. I can't live up to the hype tonight. Butter.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

As I mentioned before, I was offered a free copy of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (BCSK) if I wrote up a review of it on my blog. My first reaction to the thought of watching this movie was "1969? Aw man..." I don't generally like old movies. The production value isn't as good; the special effects aren't as dazzling; the action scenes are boring; the dialog is unnatural. I guess all the bells and whistles of modern cinema are an important part of my enjoyment of a movie experience.

I even have a tough time watching Clerks just because it is black & white, despite it being (probably underrated at) #15 on my top pure comedies list.

And speaking of Kevin Smith movies, I never realized that the mall security guard "La Fours" in Mallrats was based on the legendary lawman in the white straw hat from BCSK. Noticing that silly connection in the middle of watching this movie drove home a point that I was aware of on a detached level but hadn't really sunk in: this is a classic movie that has strongly influenced film makers ever since it came out.

I had seen BCSK once before, probably about 8 years ago. I didn't remember much about it other than (spoiler in white text) Butch and Sundance dying at the end in a huge gunfight. I certainly don't remember particularly liking the movie, and I haven't bothered to watch it again since then. But this time I really liked it.

Maybe for me old movies are an acquired taste. In the 8 years since the last time I saw BCSK, I've watched The Sting at least half a dozen times, and it gets better each time I watch it. So maybe that exposure to Newman and Redford helped me appreciate BCSK.

And the other thing that made me enjoy it more was the realization that I've watched movies backwards, historically speaking. So my goofy reaction to seeing the BCSK character Joe Lefors was that it reminded me of Mallrats, not the other way around. Realizing that so many more recent movies that I love owe something to quality older movies helped me put things in perspective.

So I had all that in my mind while I was enjoying BCSK, when my girlfriend said "is Brad Pitt our generation's Robert Redford?" At first I didn't see it, but then I realized how much Ocean's 11 and 12 (and I think there's a 13 on the way) are influenced by BCSK. The similarities are fairly obvious - both are stylish comedic crime dramas centered on 2 main characters, which would make George Clooney and Brad Pitt our generation's Paul Newman and Robert Redford.

See the intense concentration?



See the cool confidence?



See the latest styles?



See the 1 woman between the 2 of them?





See what Clooney and Pitt are going to look like in 20 years?



Anyway, if you already like old movies, you almost certainly don't need me to recommend BCSK to you, since it is one of the most celebrated movies of all time. But if you're like me and don't generally like anything made before you were born, you should give this one a try. In addition to having an obvious influence in modern blockbusters like Oceans 11 and 12, check out this list of movies that have directly referenced BCSK. It is fun to make those backwards connections. Even without those, they shot it 38 years ago, but the dialog is still fresh and funny, the characters are likeable, and the story is engaging.

I'll also mention that the Ultimate Collector's Edition that they sent me has a ton of bonus stuff too. I'm not really into that kind of stuff, but there's plenty of info about it if you click on the banner below.

Movies: Most evil defeated villains

One of my buddies put together the Mel Gibson list. I did the Brad Pitt one.


Of these three people/groups that Mel Gibson has defeated, who was the most
evil?

1) William the Longshanks (Braveheart)
2) The Jews (Passion of the Christ)
3) That one British captain in (The Patriot)
4) Angel (Maverick)
5) Gary Sinise (Ransom)

Good arguments exist for all 5.


1) William the Longshanks -

WHY? Quite an evil dude. This man put up with
a gay son who had a hot wife, reinstituted the tradition of Prima Nocta, and believed that the trouble with Scotland is that it is full of Scots.

WHY NOT? Well, Wallace never actually defeated him. A tenuous argument exists that the pure sweet passion and loudness of Wallace's final word, "FREEDOM!" casued Longshanks' death, since there seems to be some sort of temporal correlation between the two. However, this word was spoken as Wallace was being executed at Longshanks' command, so there is a better
argument that Wallace was actually defeated by Longhshanks.

2) The Jews -

WHY? In this case, Mel has not actually defeated the Jews,
just shed light on their innate evil qualities for all the world to see.

WHY NOT? Again, there exists an argument that the Jews actually defeated Gibson, since they do an excellent job of torturing and killing the object of Mel's affection. (Jesus H. Christ).

3) That captain from the Patriot -


WHY? This man's evilness is unquestioned as he plays Lucious Malfoy, a man known for being a Deatheater and kicking Dobby. However he also killed two of Mel's sons. As the Scottish captain from Braveheart knows. killing Mel Gibson's loved ones is rarely a good idea. He also was British, which, as the film makes clear, is bad.

WHY NOT? Mel kind of gets his ass kicked in their final battle, and really only wins because the captain gets cocky.

4) Angel from Maverick -

WHY? Angel was a pretty bad guy, who often lets people fall down for free. He pals about with cowboys with bad hygiene, and he is a cheat.

WHY NOT? He wasn't really as evil as the commodore, who was pulling the strings. And Mel didnt actually defeat the Commodore - that was Coop, whose security wasn't worth a damn.

5) Gary Sinise from Ransom -

WHY? Gary Sinise is pretty scary looking, he kidnapped his kid, and he tormented Mel with stupid references to "the Time Machine."

WHY NOT? The Time Machine is an excellent work of literary fiction, which cogently creates an allegory of classist society in the modern world.




The answer: The evil captain from the Patriot. What pushed him over the top was the fact that Mel stuck a bayonet through his throat, which is unbearably cool.

----

Most evil villian that Brad Pitt defeated:

1) The Credit Card Companies (Fight Club)
2) Terry Benedict (Ocean's 11)
3) Tom Cruise (Interview with the Vampire)
4) John Doe (Se7en)
5) Wilkenson Center and the guards (Sleepers)


1 - Credit Card Companies

WHY? Just ask any college kid that signed up for a credit card to get a free T-shirt, then ran up $20,000 in electronics and booze - credit card companies are pure evil. Tyler Durden's Project Mayhem sought to erase the debt record and start over, and don't ask any more questions about it.

WHY NOT? For the fiscally responsible, credit cards can be a very useful financial tool. Using a credit card is the first step towards establishing good credit, which helps millions of Americans own their own homes! Plus Ed Norton killed Tyler Durden just before all the buildings blew up, apparently cause he was in love with that harlot Marla and wanted to finally take a nap. And he let that ganster dude beat the shit out of him.

2 - Terry Benedict

WHY? Benedict was a ruthless greedmonger who made a living relieving degenerate gamblers of their cash. Plus he stole Rusty's friend Danny Ocean's wife and stole his buddy Reuben's hotel. Rusty played like 8 different roles in the heist, so take that, evil Andy Garcia!

WHY NOT? Hey, if drunken idiot want to blow all their money gambling, why shouldn't I... I mean Terry Bennedict take it. He provided a nice clean comfortable hotel for them, with first rate sports entertainment and a lovely art museum. Is he really that bad a guy? He just is protecting what's his, right? How did he know that Danny Ocean had just got out of prison but not know that Bernie Mac had a criminal record? A more evil man would have known.

3 - Tom Cruise


WHY? He's Tom Cruise. Come on, is there a more evil person in the world right now than Tom Cruise? He's completely insane, he has a billion dollars, he ruined Katie Holmes, he's a fucking scientologist, and he's like 5'1". Fuck him

WHY NOT? Well, Brad Pitt tried to kill LeStat but never got the job done, probably cause he was carrying Kirsten Dunst's dead weight. He almost killed him, but the alligator blood helped LeStat recover. So in the end, Christian Slater became a vampire too.. Anyway regardless of Cruise's evilness, there was no decisive victory here for Pitt.

4 - Kevin Spacey as John Doe

WHY? Evil in the classic mad genius serial killer way. This guy went on the killing spree of all killing sprees, culminating in the beheading of Brad Pitt's pregnant wife. Plus he threw up on a guy in the subway and has no fingerprints.

WHY NOT? With the exception of Gwyneth, all of John Doe's victims deserved their fate. Especially that fat dude - "a disgusting man who could barely stand up; a man who if you saw him on the street, you'd point him out to your friends so that they could join you in mocking him; a man, who if you saw him while you were eating, you wouldn't be able to finish your meal." How wrong could it be to kill a fat guy? I want to kill that guy Jared from Subway just cause he used to be fat. And even though Detective Mills technically killed John Doe, didn't John Doe win? Once again no decisive Pitt victory over the evil.

5 - Wilkenson Center and the guards - Sleepers

WHY? Let's start with Kevin Bacon making the little boys blow him. After a year of sexual and physical abuse in the juvenile corrections facility, Brad Pitt and that dude who played the traffic cop in Scent of a Woman and their friends were scarred for life. But they eventually got even, killing Bacon and bringing the whole uber-evil Wilkenson Center down in a travesty of a murder trial. The situation forced Bobby D the priest to commit perjury. The holy man told lies. That's how evil they were.

WHY NOT? Yeah there's no way anything can top this one. Wilkenson Center and Pedophile Rapist Kevin Bacon win easily.

I'm Ron Burgandy?

[Click on image to enlarge. I'm kind of a big deal.]