Jason Bourne

If you could be any movie at all, you might have some confusion about how to select which movie you'd be. Let me make it easy for you. You should be The Bourne Identity. You'd rather have amnesia than not, right? You'd contain Mr. Eko and Goodwill Hunting, which is the top two characters to contain, by vote of the citizens of 17 first-world democracies. I don't work for the Americans any more, but if we stay here we die. COME ON, WHAT ABOUT THIS DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??! Remember the homophobic gay neighbor from American Beauty? He's in you. How is this not a good thing? You've got a black-ops agent off the reservation, and we will burn for this. Team up, motherfucker! Matt Damon can carry a movie now; we all know this. Bypass that shit! Tell me what is going on at those locations where Bourne might be at. The only possible confusion would be if you wanted to be Bourne Supremacy or the Bourne Ultimatum. I could respect that if you wanted to be one of those movies. You'd be wrong, but at least I could support it. But you just need to ask Matt Damon. When he was interviewed by Working Moms Magazine (2003), Hebrews for Halloween Magazine (2004), and Mormon Retards Quarterly (2006), he repeatedly asserted that Bourne Identity is the movie that anyone should be if they were to be a movie. How can you possibly argue with that?