Long, long, long, long ago, Handsome Prince was sitting in his house in Montgomery Village, chatting on AOL Instant Messenger with his old girlfriend, Sexy Ex-y. The details of the conversation, long since forgotten, are unimportant. What is important is that at some point in the fateful conversation, Sexy Ex-y took a picture of her breast and used IM's direct connect feature to send the image to the handsome prince. It was creative high-tech flashing. Good clean amusement between consenting dorks with a digital camera and high-speed internet.
Many moons passed, and Handsome Prince drifted away from Sexy Ex-y, and the picture was long forgotten. However, unbeknownst to Handsome Prince, evidence of the exchange was retained, in the downloaded pictures cache of his AOL IM files...
A new young lady, Beautiful Princess, entered his life. Handsome Prince and Beautiful Princess were very happy together. Their days were filled with joy, and nights with passion, until one day, he stumbled across the long, long forgotten picture while she was sitting right behind him. Did I mention that I had long since forgotten about this picture? Oops I mean, the Handsome Prince had long since forgotten about the picture, and it meant nothing to him.
Upon seeing the very meaningless image, the Beautiful Princess shouts "Oooh, busted!" and walks away. Except she did it in a way where it was hard to tell if she was pissed or amused. Handsome Prince, being quite smitten with Beautiful Princess, immediately recognized the deliciously precarious nature of the situation. His cool exterior belied the panic alarms sounding inside his head:
Crap, she just saw Sexy Ex-y's breast!! Why is that picture there?!! DAMMIT WHY DOES IM SAVE PICTURES!! Crap, I hope she realizes that the picture was auto-saved a long time ago. Oh god I hope she doesn't think I saved it intentionally. Actually, that breast could be anyone's, right? You can't see the face!! Whew! Oh no, shit, or maybe she thinks girls just send me pictures of their breast. Maybe she thinks some girl is trying to seduce me and I haven't told her about it. Oh god, now she thinks I'm either hiding pictures of old girlfriends or pictures of random would-be seductresses from her. Wait, what did Beautiful Princess mean by her comment? Maybe she thought it was just some random breast from somewhere on the internet! The internet has lots of breasts, and maybe she doesn't realize it came from IM. Surely the Beautiful Princess wouldn't care if I just had a random breast picture from the internet. Maybe "busted" was just sarcastic, yeah!! Right? Well now its been too long and I haven't said anything to explain. If I say something now, it will just look like I'm making up a story. Dammit, we've been watching all those Sopranos episode where all the men cheat on their wives, and we just watched that scene in "A Perfect Murder" where Michael Douglas comes up with a beautiful lie right out of his ass. I don't want it to look like I'm full of shit. No, I better just not say anything now. She probably thinks its just a random boob, right?? I'm FUCKED. Actually this is all kinda funny...
Later that day, the Beautiful Princess finally asked the Handsome Prince about the picture, apparently after hours and hour of mulling it over in her mind. The Handsome Prince had been so worried about what he should do, he never stopped to think that if he just told the Beautiful Princess the truth, she wouldn't care at all. And then the wonderful Beautiful Princess was so concerned about not wanting the Handsome Prince to think she distrusted him like a stereotypical jealous girlfriend that she agonized about the situation for hours before finally asking him. In the end, she didn't care, and they both wasted a lot of energy worrying about nothing, all because the Handsome Prince is a moron.
The End.
The 4 morals to this story:
1.) Tell the truth, you stupid Handsome Prince. She's not going to care. Don't put her through needless agony. What the hell is wrong with you?
2.) Don't create the appearance that you keep some kind of secret archives of sexual souvenirs from your ex. Oh, and don't call her "Sexy Ex-y." Call her "Plain Jane" or "Inferior Ingrid" or something like that. What the hell is wrong with you?
3.) If you are an internet poker player like the Handsome Prince, don't assume that someone in the real world will think that taking suspiciously long before acting might be a bluff. Usually when people take a long time before betting, its cause they have a monster hand. But she knows you're too smart for that, so your girlfriend might raise you on the river because she thinks your delay means you missed your overcards. So either bet right out, or have the monster. What the hell am I even talking about?
4.) Always use thinly-veiled fairy tales on your blog as a way to make peace with your girlfriend while simultaneously amusing your audience. That way everyone is happy.
Finally, since I realize all you dirtballs are going to ask to see that picture, here it is.
4 comments:
I should also clarify that I was thinking that since she might have assumed that the picture was just random internet porn, there was no point clarifying what it really was, because even though she wouldn't care that it was there, it would have to be a little uncomfortable for her to know it was my old girlfriend's boob. Better to just think it was some random boob, right? I'm so thoughtful.
clever liars give details, but the cleverest don't.
-anonymous
damn you.
simultaneously amusing your audience.
When does this part happen?
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