I was rushing out my door this morning, and as I hurried around a corner something smacked me in the face. I didn't see anything coming at all; I was just totally blindsided. It wasn't especially painful, but it felt like getting hit in the face with a wet tennis ball.
Naturally my eyes closed in response to this unprovoked facial assault, and I felt something in them so I was slow about reopening them. But while they were closed, right after the impact I did hear a bird beating its wings and it seemed pretty loud and close to my head.
All of that happened within a split second, and I was sitting there thinking "holy crap did a bird just fly into my face?" and remembering the Randy Johnson bird pitch:
So in spite of feeling something in my eyes, I eventually open them, and I immediately notice a big black splatter all over my chest. And I realize I'm seeing that while looking across the massive black clod that has landed on my nose. A glance at my reflection in a window showed massive amounts of dark black bird crap splattered all over my face, eyes and chest.
Now this wasn't like the cute little black and white bird poo that sometimes lands on your shoulder while you're walking in the park. This was like a big pile of caked mud and sticks. Even though it was a good amount of matter, I'm still confused by how much force it hit me with.
I looked around on the ground around me, half expecting to see a wounded bird writhing on the ground, but there was nothing. So I guess it must have just been a damned giant condor flying over my house at the precise wrong moment.
But I'm still not sure that a bird didn't fly into my face. Maybe it pulled up at the last second and kind of just smashed into my dome with its chest and underbelly, and then vacated its bowels all over me.
Regardless, I clearly should have taken a picture of my ridiculous self, but it didn't occur to me until after I had washed the massive flamingo dive-bomb off my face.
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