Drivel 3

When the going gets tough, I get philosophical. That is just how I am. Intense reflection and introspection have gotten me through life's challenges - loss, disappointment, frustration, illness, indecision, injury, and whatever other problems we all face. I haven't burdened myself by giving this blog a narrow focus, so with the exception of illness (knock on wood), I've used this space as a tool for coping with all of those. I write this stuff for myself, and I share it with anyone else who wants to hear my voice. Often I'm honestly amazed that anyone reads this drivel, but I am grateful for the opportunity to be heard.

Poker life is hard in ways that are difficult to explain.

When you're winning, you feel like a genius and the game is the easiest thing in the world. When you're losing, you feel like the biggest idiot alive and like the whole world is out to get you. Reality is probably somewhere in the middle, hopefully slightly closer to genius than idiot.

But I've been on the idiot side for almost 2 straight weeks now, and its getting harder and harder to remember anything else. All the understanding of poker theory, any concept of variance, it all feels hopelessly hollow as my money gushes away to the idiots that hit every miracle river. I can recite fairy tales about "the long run"and tell myself to just play my game and chip away at the damage. I can convince myself that I'm good at avoiding tilt and that I handle adversity well. But can I really believe all that crap?

I keep writing these blog posts that are just pep-talks to myself. Drivel 1 Drivel 2. Those are by no means the 1st and 2nd drivel posts, just the first ones I found in a quick look at the archives.

The hardest thing right now is that I know enough to recognize all the mistakes I'm making while I lose all this money. I know that world class players make mistakes. And I know that huge losers make mistakes. I know that world class players can have losing streaks worse than this, and I know that huge losers have winning streaks better than any wins I've ever had. I laugh at the morons who are convinced their losses are because of bad luck, then I convince myself that my losses are because of bad luck. So who is laughing at me?

Oh wait, this is a skill game. If I'm a winner, then losses must be bad luck right?

Am I a winner in this game? I'd need 20 times more hands than I've played to have any reasonable degree of certainty about my "true" winrate, and by the time I've played that many hands, I won't be the same player I was at the start. Or maybe I'll never get to the point that I establish I'm a winning player, because I hit a downswing along the way that wiped out my bankroll. Lots of small businesses fail because of undercapitalization, not because they weren't good ideas that could have made money. Or maybe my business idea just sucks.

So these are the mental hurdles I have to clear, and the resolution is just accepting that this life is one of constant uncertainty. While you never really know what something will feel like until you live it, I had a good idea what I was getting myself into when I chose this path, and I certainly wouldn't trade the last 6 months for anything. For the first 5 months of it, if you asked me if I'd still be doing this poker thing in 6 months, I wouldn't have had an answer. Suddenly, 2 weeks ago I thought I had an affirmative answer, but now that arrogance has been punished and I'm back to uncertainty.

So it goes. And so I'm going to bed. At least I don't have to set an alarm.